Have you ever found yourself going over a situation again and again, frustrated by something you can't change? Perhaps someone treated you unfairly, an unexpected change disrupted your plans, or you're dealing with circumstances you never anticipated and certainly didn't choose. You keep thinking about what happened, what should have been different, or how you wish things would turn out. Before long, you've spent an enormous amount of time and energy on something that hasn't changed.
I've encountered this many times in coaching. People can become so focused on something they believe is wrong or unfair that they struggle to move beyond it. Sometimes it's another person's behaviour; other times, it's a situation they feel powerless to change. And their frustration may be completely understandable. What happened may have been unfair, disappointing, or significantly impact their lives. But staying focused on what should have happened doesn't necessarily help them move forward.
This is where focusing on what you can control can make a meaningful difference. It's about recognizing what's within our control, what we can influence, and what we can't change.
When we get stuck on what should have been different
One situation I've encountered frequently in coaching is someone becoming deeply frustrated by another person's actions. They may feel they've been treated unfairly, overlooked, or let down. They keep returning to what the person did, why it was wrong, and why they should have behaved differently.
And they may be absolutely right.
The difficulty is that we can't make someone else see things our way, acknowledge their behaviour, or choose differently. We can communicate how we feel, ask questions, express concerns, and establish boundaries, but we can't control how the other person responds. When we keep waiting for them to change, we can stay stuck in the same frustration for weeks, months, or even longer.
I've seen people make real progress when they recognize that they don't have to wait for someone else to change before deciding what to do next. They may still feel hurt or disappointed, but they begin to look at their own options. That might mean having a conversation, setting a boundary, changing how they interact with someone, or deciding it's time to move on.
Understanding where you have control
I find it helpful to look at difficult situations through three questions: What can I control? What can I influence? And what do I need to accept?
What can I control? We control many of our decisions and actions, including how we prepare for situations, communicate with others, seek support, and follow through on commitments. We can't always control our initial emotional reactions, but we can become more aware of them and learn to choose how we respond.
What can I influence? We can influence situations and people through our communication, relationships, and actions. A thoughtful conversation may help someone understand our perspective, and asking the right questions may lead to a better outcome. But influence is different from control. We can do everything reasonably within our power and still not get the response or result we hoped for.
What do I need to accept? Other people's decisions, past events, unexpected circumstances, and situations beyond our ability to change can all fall into this category. Acceptance doesn't mean agreeing with what happened, pretending it doesn't matter, or giving up on something important. It means acknowledging the reality of the situation so we can consider the choices still available to us.
These distinctions sound straightforward, but when we're emotionally involved, they can be surprisingly hard to make. We may take responsibility for outcomes we can't control or keep investing energy in something that simply isn't going to change.
Shifting your attention to what you can do
The next time you find yourself repeatedly thinking about something that frustrates or worries you, ask yourself one question: What can I actually do about this?
I find this question useful because it shifts our thinking from what should have happened to what might be possible now. Sometimes we need to have a conversation, gather information, make a decision, or seek support. Other times, we may realize we've already done everything we reasonably can, and there's nothing more to do at the moment.
If you're having difficulty separating these things, write down the situation and identify what you can control, what you might influence, and what is outside your control. Then consider whether there's one constructive action you can take. You may need to revisit the exercise, particularly when the situation is emotionally difficult, but it can help you recognize where your energy is going.
The purpose isn't to stop caring or to suggest that difficult experiences shouldn't affect us. Some situations are genuinely painful, and moving through them takes time. What matters is recognizing when we're spending so much energy on something we cannot change that it's making us more frustrated rather than helping us move forward.
Making room for what matters most
We won't always get the apology, explanation, or outcome we hoped for. We also won't always be able to change the circumstances we're facing. But we can become more aware of the choices we still have and how we want to respond.
Control what you can. Influence what you can. And recognize when it's time to stop giving so much of your energy to what you cannot change.
It won't solve every problem, but it can help reduce unnecessary stress and leave you with more capacity for the people and things that matter most.
Put it into practice
If there's a situation that's taking up more of your energy than you'd like, my Scope of Control workbook chapter, part of the Leading with Clarity Workbook, offers a practical exercise to help you identify what's within your control and choose a constructive next step.
👉 Download the Scope of Control chapter from the Leading with Clarity Workbook
